You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
