i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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