if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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