I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
