it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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