I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
