he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
