i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
