when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.