his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
