i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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