oh god the rape fog is back!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
