I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
