i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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