I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
