Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
