How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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