If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
