Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
