I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
