The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
