so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
