Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
