Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
