i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
