I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
