I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
