Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
