I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
