My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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