soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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