I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
