highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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