So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
