this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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