the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
