we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
