sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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