someone threw a dead crab at me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
