I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
