dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
