Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
