just tell him i said nine months
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
