first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
