We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
