i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
