I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
