just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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