I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
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Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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