I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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