8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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