Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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