im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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