i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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