It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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