some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
